Tag Archives: patience

Growing up, it seemed like every time we left the house there was a lot stress. This was manifested by yelling, arguing, and a lack of patience. My Dad was impatient, my Mom was stressed, they argued, and they were very impatient with us boys. We were always late. It wasn’t fun – and it took away a lot the joy of the journey.

A few years ago, my brother shared an experience with me. He and his family were getting ready for a trip, and it was stressful. He was impatient, stressed, and suddenly found himself yelling at the dog. In reflection, he shared with me some of his thoughts. He realized this was the issue in our childhood and his stress was merely a reflection of his memories. In other words, he discovered that going on a trip was rarely a pleasant experience and he was merely projecting those memories on his own family.

This reflection struck me hard. While I didn’t have a family at the time, I knew he was right – and I’m certain I held those memories too.

“For me, it’s about developing good systems to avoid the stress”

Now, as a father, a husband, and a man of peace, I do not want to continue this cycle.

Usually, if I make three small changes in my approach, I am able to avoid most of the stress associated with getting my herd out the door and arriving to our destination on time.

Better Scheduling
More Rest
A New Perspective

Here’s how this works:

1. Better Scheduling.

The one change I have within my control is better scheduling. When I was single, and younger, it used to take a half hour to drive across Portland. I could usually make it in 25 minutes – and that was often with a Big Mac in one hand and a cell phone in the other. As the city grew, I was slow to realize that I could no longer make this drive in 25 minutes – let alone 30. In fact, it takes at least 45 minutes, but only if traffic is good.

“the one thing I can do to reduce stress in the lives of my family is to be realistic on time expectations“

So, the one thing I can do to reduce stress in the lives of my family is to be realistic on time expectations. This includes drive time, prep time, and loading time. What I do is work backwards in time and add buffers along the way. If it realistically takes 30 minutes to make the drive when traffic is good, I add 15 minutes – if it is going to be during rush hour, I add more time. If it “should” take five minutes to load the car, you know from experience that this never happens. I usually plan on 15 minutes – this accounts for distractions, whining, stalling, and minor emergencies (eg; scrapes, bumps, quarrels, and potty urgencies).

Then there is the prep time. Of course it should only take a few minutes to throw together a lunch, some snacks, or a change of clothes. But as a parent, you may have realized that “should” is a word that causes you to live in denial. Reality and should never seem to be congruent. You are constantly interrupted, distracted, and often called upon to keep the kids from killing themselves or each other.

You have to plan for these contingencies, or you will be stressed and late. You will never catch up.

2. More Rest.

For me, the biggest obstacle to being a good parent is being well rested. But as you know, this is almost impossible as a parent. The only way I can truly accomplish this is to do less. Contrary to the words of Adele, I can’t have it all. I can be rested, or I can do more – but I can’t do both.

“As a parent, my first priority is to take care of myself“

As long as I’m a parent, I have resigned myself to several realities. a) I will not read as many books as I used to; b) I cannot stay up as late as I used to; c) I cannot stay current on every TV show, the latest music, or any other hobby that used to be a part of my life; d) I cannot be the social butterfly that I’ve ever pretended to be in my past; and finally, e) I probably can’t accelerate my career as quickly as I could when no one else

As a parent, my first priority is to take care of myself, so I can better take care of myself. This starts with getting enough rest. And I cannot get enough rest as long as I try to live the lifestyle I lived when I was young and single. It is time to move on, give up my selfish desires, and focus on the needs of my family first.

3. A New Perspective.

As I’ve hinted above, several things need to change in your perspective. You can’t do as much as you used to, you can’t run out the door at the last minute, and you can’t push your kids to hurry. A good parent cannot be a selfish parent – your needs have to come secondary to your kids’ needs (Their wants are a different story).

“By eliminating the stress, the rush, the busy – you can help your kids enjoy the journey”

By eliminating the stress, the rush, the busy – you can help your kids enjoy the journey. You don’t have to make every errand a thrill ride, but you can eliminate the stress, the yelling, and the push to get everyone out the door. If you can learn to enjoy the journey, you will teach your kids to do the same.

The other game changer I’ve discovered is to quit stressing about being on time. If the above two suggestions fall through, I simply resign myself to be late. Pushing kids to hurry is like stuffing toothpaste back into the tube – it doesn’t work. Yelling only makes it worse, for now not only are you stressed, but now the kids are melting down. The best thing I’ve found is to simply accept the fact that we will be late, and go with the flow.

Granted, all of this is easier said than done, but I think you get the idea. And in all things I believe in progress, not perfection. It is better to make small steps forward, than to give up because you can’t do it all. If all you do is build in a few extra minutes getting out the door, that will help. And if you merely accept the fact that you’re going to be late, maybe you can “enjoy” the drive without acting like you’re being pursued by the Russian Mafia.

My kids will only be around for about 18 years. When I think back to 18 years ago, it seems as if it were only yesterday. I don’t want to miss these times. I don’t want to shortchange my kids. I certainly don’t want to pass on the family dynamic of making every so-called fun event (eg; camping, birthday parties, the beach, etc) into a dysfunctional memory of pain.

For me, it’s about developing good systems to avoid the stress – because waiting until the last moment, to solve an habitual problem – well, that never works.

What about your family? Do you find getting out the door to be a pleasant, or painful experience? Are you often stressed, rushed, and busy? Would you like to change this? How have you and your family solved these issues? Do you have suggestions for the rest of us?

The Price We Pay

By gwalter

June 6, 2012

Parenting, Thoughts

2 Comments

This post is about fatherhood, the most challenging leadership role I’ve ever possessed.

For several decades I’ve been inspired by Peter Drucker and W. Edward Deming. Drucker’s approach to management, and Deming’s ideas on quality improvement are not just inspiring, but revolutionary. My early involvement in EMS led me to find ways to improve the fledgling profession, as well as inspire professionalism. As I aged, I found myself increasingly in leadership roles.

A few months ago my friend Paul introduced me to the idea of a “Just Culture.” This takes Continuous Quality Improvement (CQI) to the next level. It expands the ideas and moves forward with a philosophy that inspires and rewards good systems, good behavior, and yet still effectively deals with human error, mistakes, risky behavior, and reckless behaviors. But this post is not about management, EMS, or CQI. This post is about fatherhood and parenting.

I’ve been reading a great book that my friend Paul gave me. It’s called Whack-a-Mole: The Price We Pay for Perfection, by David Marx, a systems engineer who founded Outcome Engenuity, Inc. Though I’m less than half-way through the book, I began to immediately see the implications to parenting – and here’s why….

It seems that men in this culture are always under pressure. (Not that women aren’t, I just won’t speak for them.) In fact, it seems that fathers in particular are very impatient. We speak harshly, not with any malice, but because we are task-oriented, busy, and tired. The tired part compounds the busy and task-oriented parts.

“it seems that fathers in particular are very impatient”

Just this weekend, while camping at Fort Stevens, I heard a great many men speak harshly to their wives and children. Not only did it bring back memories of my own childhood, but made me cringe with self-reflection.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?”

“HURRY UP!”

“FINE!”

“LET’S GO!”

Two campsites over a woman told her husband that she was going to the bathroom. His reply was classic: “OK! Then GO!” I understood him and I would not be offended if he were speaking to me. This is where men and women differ. When it is just us guys out on the job site, we don’t tell each other about our potty-breaks – and no one really cares. Women on the other hand tend to keep each other informed and are more inclined to not want to offend each other.

As I watched the scenario unfold in the neighboring campsite, I determined he was more impatient with her timing than with the task – nonetheless, she cowered and scurried to the restroom 50 yards away. I quickly put myself in their situation. If my Wonderful Wife had waited to go to the bathroom after I got in my truck, that would bother me too. If she had gone before I got in the truck, I could have kept fiddling with other tasks (eg; make kindling, sweep the tent, make a cup of coffee, knit a hat, build a fort, go for a hike – whatever….). But waiting until I get in the truck, and I’ll just sit there for the five or ten minutes it takes her to walk to the restroom and back. In this case it was timing.

Because we are task-oriented, we don’t like to just sit. We are always busy – even if our task is mindlessly unimportant. We also like to plan ahead. If I saw my wife going to the bathroom while I was still getting ready myself, I could easily figure out some more tasks to complete while I waited. But when I’m already in the truck, already on my bike, or already walking out of the restaurant – well, noW I’m left hanging.

So, why can’t we just chill?

Seriously? Why can’t we just hangout in the car, cool our heels outside the restaurant, or walk with our beautiful wives to the restroom. (There’s a good chance we could use the loo too, right?) I think it is because we are tired and generally we forget our wives (and kids) are more relational and tender than we are. According to John Eldredge and the movie Fireproof, women want to be cherished. Men forget this. We are idiots. We forget we aren’t on the job site anymore.

“For me to be an effective father and husband, I’m going to have to seriously retrain myself.”

That’s where the Whack-a-Mole book comes into play. On the book’s website, they invite you to take the Whack-a-Mole Challenge. In the book, Marx lays out a simple paradigm:

Console human error
Coach at risk behavior
Punish reckless behavior
and all of this is independent of outcome

Whack-a-Mole: The Price We Pay For Expecting Perfection

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So, when I think of being a Dad and Husband, I want to put this form into play. If my kids are simply being kids (eg; spilling milk, breaking toys, or accidentally hurting themselves or their siblings), then I merely console them. Kids will be kids and mistakes happen. I want my kids to grow up in a home where it’s OK to make mistakes. Regardless of the damage done, or the cost, if it was simple human error, then I just console them (and me!).

“Reading this book has inspired me to be more patient, more understanding of mistakes, and more aware of the type of behavior exhibited.”

When I see my Smiling 4yo Son running full speed down our gravel driveway, I grow concerned. Having lived about 50 years longer than him, I know that people sometimes fall when they run, especially downhill – and gravel driveways make all this worse. So, I coach him to “be careful,” but he really doesn’t have any context for this phrase – so I try to help him understand, kindly, and in a way he can understand. I not only hate to see him hurt, but emergency department visits are inconvenient and expensive.

As my kids get older, gain confidence and independence, they are more likely to engage in reckless behaviors. According to Marx, reckless behavior is not ignorance, but willful. When people (eg; children, spouses, or employees) know the consequences and risks, but engage in that behavior anyway, there are consequences – or punishment. Even when there is no harm caused – the punishment needs to fit the behavior, not the outcome.

All of the above is administered equitably and justly – regardless of the outcome. In other words, if my child spills milk, due to simple human error, I don’t scream at him, spank her, or administer some other form of punishment. It is simple human error. Offer consolation and move on. If they continue to place their milk glass near the edge of the table at are continually at risk of spilling their milk, then I coach them on their behavior – whether the milk spills or not.

However, after they have grasped the concept and they understand the risks, but continue to treat their milk glass in a reckless manner, they need to have appropriate punishment administered – whether the milk spills or not.

Reading this book has inspired me to be more patient, more understanding of mistakes, and more aware of the type of behavior exhibited. So, if my wife decides to go to the rest room right after I get in the truck – according to the Whack-a-Mole Challenge – I’m likely to make the same mistake – and I can’t punish her for behavior that I’m inclined to make also.

Oops.

I’ve noticed some parents who yell at their kids for simple kid-like mistakes – for instance, when they accidentally spill their milk. Some husbands show great impatience with their wives when they make simple errors that have poor outcomes. Most of us fail to realize that mistakes are common. People seem to focus on the outcome – if something breaks – then the wrath comes. But according to Marx, we need to focus on the behaviors – independent of outcome.

For me to be an effective father and husband, I’m going to have to seriously retrain myself. This starts with being well rested, putting the loved ones in my life above the tasks, and ignoring the outcomes. I want to do this – and I’m curious to see how the rest of the book will help me apply these principles.

What about you? Do these principles ring any bells in your life? Are you the type of person who focuses on behaviors, or outcomes?