credit: Flicker

I realized something yesterday.  It was during a job interview process and the subsequent rejection that I realized something about myself.  I’m not very hungry.  What I mean by this is, I’m fairly content with the life and journey God has me living.

I’ve spent a lifetime trying to attain peace and contentment.  It isn’t easy, and I’m not sure I’ve “arrived.”  However, I’m much more content than I was 30+ years ago.

When my career was threatened a few years ago.  I shrugged.  That isn’t to say I wasn’t stressed and that it wasn’t a horrible situation – but I knew who I was, where I was going, and where my values lay.  I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my family, my calling, or my convictions in order to satisfy someone who didn’t agree with me – no matter how powerful he was.  It just wasn’t worth it.  Next thing I knew, I was unemployed.

Last year, when I received a promotion, I wasn’t anxious about learning the job.  I knew it was a steep learning curve, and I was pacing myself.  But again, it came down to sacrificing family and values – two things I won’t do.  So, I didn’t.  Next thing I knew, I was demoted and back on the line.

“This doesn’t make me a bad person, a failure, or a loser…”

credit Flicker

Yesterday, as I sat in a room with 17 other candidates, taking a very difficult test, I was not stressed.  Now this doesn’t mean I didn’t really want the job – it just means that there was no reason to be stressed.  I’ve never gotten test anxiety.  I either know the information, or I don’t.  If I don’t know it, stress will only diminish my capacity to figure it out.  If I do know it, stress won’t help me recall it.  So, I took the test – but apparently I didn’t do well enough to move to the next round of interviews.

“Gary, be yourself.  I have something for you.  Don’t worry.  Don’t stress.“

This doesn’t make me a bad person, a failure, or a loser.  It just means that there were some who were either better prepared or more hungry than me – or both.  That is great for them, but is really no reflection on me.  Except that I realized that I’m not that hungry.

There are many jobs that I could do.  There are many that I would excel in.  There are many careers and professions I would love to do – some I am qualified for, and others would take years to obtain the necessary qualifications.  There are many jobs that I could easily do, but I don’t posses the required certifications or credentials.  It’s all good.  Really!

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” – Matthew 6:30

Last month I lost a job offer because of things posted on this blog.  Interestingly, it wasn’t an accident those posts were left available to the public.  In fact, it was something I prayed about – a lot.  I was impressed to leave those posts up.  I believe those posts offer insights into my leadership and make me a more valuable member of a team.  But, because of those posts, I was passed over.  That was hard, but I believe it is best.

In retrospect, I believe that it was good I was passed over.  I would have had to make too many compromises to fill that role.  And while I and my family would really like the lifestyle that comes with that position, it is becoming clear that there were probably too many strings attached.  Probably, if I were more hungry, I would be more motivated to adapt.  But I hear God saying, “Gary, be yourself.  I have something for you.  Don’t worry.  Don’t stress.”

It isn’t always easy to relax.  It isn’t always easy to let go.  But I’m learning.  And besides, when it comes from God, how can I refuse?

Our society promotes a fearful, hungry approach to life.  We are like lab rats, scurrying about, trying to win the race.  And if the truth were known, I don’t really want to be in the rat race.  I’d just as soon live off the grid and live a content life of poverty.  I’m just not that hungry.  I want to be more like the content Golden Retriever, and less like the hyper little Chihuahua.  Both are good dogs, they just have different strengths and skill sets.

credit Flicker

This doesn’t mean I’m lazy.  To the contrary, I remain a hard-working, meticulous employee.  I just refuse to stress over it, or cower below those who do stress.  I have learned to be more of a tortoise, and less of a hare.  I’m not a quitter, and I believe I bring a lot to the conversation.  It’s about fit.  I just need to find an organization that values contentment over fear.

I realize that I am willing to do whatever it takes to find a good fit – even if that means waiting.  I take the words of Jesus seriously – you know the ones, from Matthew 6, where He sounds like a Zen Buddhist, or a veteran 12-Stepper.  Jesus tells us to take one day at a time, and to not worry about tomorrow.

This is where I am.  Content.  But this doesn’t make me a bad candidate, in fact, it might make me a more valuable asset.  Either way, it’s who I am.

“I am willing to do whatever it takes to find a good fit – even if that means waiting.”

The cry of every kids heart...

Many  parents underestimate their value.  Because of their own fears, insecurities, and issues, they get wounded and hurt – then they pull away and retreat into their own little world.  The problem is, kids need you.  They absolutely need you to stand firm – no matter how hard it is, or how hurt you are.

Of course, parents are people too.  As people, they have all the same issues as everyone else.  But their role as a parent is so much bigger than themselves – all parents need to stay in the game – no matter the cost.  It is no longer a choice.

“It is no longer a choice.”

The other day I was talking to a friend who was sharing some struggles regarding his adult children.  I listened, I didn’t try to fix, but I did make sure I understood the struggle.  While I don’t have adult kids, I was once an adult who needed his Dad very much.  I had done virtually everything I could to run away from my parents.  I was obnoxious.  I was a punk.  I turned my back on their morals and standards.  I didn’t call them very much.  But I still needed them – especially my Dad.

I was going through a terrible divorce and I was scared, lonely, and broken.  I kept reaching out to my Dad, but he would not/could not make time for me.  Several times he stood me up for lunch appointments.  This only multiplied the feelings of rejection and hopelessness.  I know he felt inadequate.  I know he was busy.  I also know that he had his own carp to deal with.  Oh, but I so needed his time and reassurance.

“hurting people hurt“

As a paramedic, I often treat people who are very obnoxious, disgusting, and even violent.  Many are drunk, acting stupid, and/or are mentally ill.  Others are  very weak and broken.  Because of their emotional or mental state, they create real problems for caring for their needs.  Often we need to get the police involved.  They are not just a danger to themselves, but to us also.  But none of this releases us from providing caring and compassionate aid to them.  Even when they call us names, fight with us, or refuse to cooperate – they still need our care.  They spit, hit, bite, and call us every name in the book. Because we are on the job, in uniform, and there to serve, we don’t stop until the patient is cared for.

It is a recognized fact, “hurting people hurt” others and themselves.

Kids are similar – they always will be.  Being a Dad is the same.  Your kids will do dumb things.  They will rebel.  They will even think you are a stupid old man.  But they will always need you – and you, Dad, need to keep loving them.  No matter what.  You have to express your love in words and actions.  Sure, give them space and respect for their growing worldview, but keep letting them know how much you love them.  Set boundaries, but never ever stop loving – even if that is from an emotional or geographical distance.

Will kids disappoint?  Of course.  Will kids disrespect your love? Absolutely.  Will your kids push back and show contempt for some of your most cherished values?  Indeed.  But none of this releases you from loving them.

Like a Fallen World, God is so crazy about us, He was willing to risk it all to walk among us on this earth.  Even when he knew he’d be beaten, spit upon, and nailed to a cross, he continued to love.  This is the kind of love your kids need from you.  Never get so mad that you turn your back on your kids.  Always keep an open door, always let them know how crazy about them you are.  And always respect their choices – no matter how wrong they are.

It is a very hard place to be.

And as if this isn’t too hard already, I have one more step for you to make.

Reach out to your kids and apologize.

“What!?”

You heard me.  Apologize.  Most of the stuff your kids are wrestling with are a direct result of your parenting.

“WHAT!?  Why those ungrateful little punks.”

I know.  I know!  You gave them everything.  You sacrificed your life, your dreams, your plans – your youth.  You gave them everything you are, and everything you could afford.  But you need to take one more step.  I promise.  Do this one thing, and the walls will come crumbling down.

“Go to your kids and tell them you are sorry.”

Go to your kids and tell them you are sorry.  Tell them you are sorry for all the parenting mistakes you made.  For getting mad over stupid things, for not paying enough attention at times, for being to arbitrary, petty, and unfair.  Tell them you are sorry for being human, for getting wrapped up in your own discouragement and depression.  Say you’re sorry for sometimes putting your job above them, for not loving their Mom more, and for that thing you did (you know the one – the big thing that no one will talk about).

If you got divorced, apologize for it – even if it was the right thing to do.  If you moved cross-country, and destroyed all their friendships, say you’re sorry.  Apologize for things you had no control over.  Apologize for your mistakes.  Apologize for poor choices, unfair choices, and choices that could have gone either way.

In other words, what I’m saying, is to remove the ammo from their rebellion.  As the leader of the family, you made choices – little ones, big ones, unintentional ones – that affected your kids forever.  Take ownership, apologize, and let them know you care more about them than you do about your pride.

This will not make you look weak in their eyes.  Pride and arrogance make us look weak.  Humility and transparency give us strength.

This is the cry of every adult child I’ve ever met.  They want to be close to their parents – to their Dads in particular.  But their fathers refuse to come out from behind their walls of protection.  They hide in fear because they don’t want to be hurt any more.  But these walls are too big for the kids to tear down, get around, or climb over.  Only you, Dad, can come out in the open.

You think you’re tough?  Ok, show us how strong you really are.  Drop your weapons, drop your defenses, and come out running to us.  Embrace us.  Tell us again, like you did when we were three years old – tell us how crazy you are about us.  You will never regret it.  All of us need a hero Daddy.

“Perfect love casts out fear.”

Be a hero to your kids – you have nothing to lose.

I remember being 19.  It was heady.  I knew everything, had no fear, and I saw life as full of opportunity.  I was anxious to explore freedom and couldn’t wait to get away from the chains that held me back.  I actually thought I was smarter than everyone else.  I was not open to advice, and I couldn’t wait to make my mark.  My only restriction, as I saw it, was money.  If I just had a good cash flow, I would slay any dragon put before me.

Now, 30 years removed from that time, I’m watching someone I love very much make decisions based on a similar worldview.  I am grieving the future loss of his innocence.

When I was 19, I knew I could try out some of my dreams, and if they didn’t work out, I’d just step back into my old life and continue on as if nothing had changed.  The problem with that thinking?  Everything changed.

Over the course of the next five years of my life, by the time I was 25, I had acquired experiences that changed me forever; I was enveloped by addictions that I still wrestle with, and some of my actions disqualified me for some of my current dreams.  I can’t go back, I can’t go home again, and because of those few years of my life, I’m no longer innocent.  I’ve tasted the forbidden fruit – and I’ll never be the same.

 ”disobedience and lack of trust that changed her”

I don’t believe there was anything supernatural or magical about the fruit Eve took from the Serpent.  It was the disobedience and lack of trust that changed her.  It wasn’t the fruit.  God put the Tree in the Garden in order to provide opportunities for character development, maturation, and choice.  Without choice, we are only robotic shells of what we can become.

Like the Dire Straits song, Love Over Gold (video), I was “dancing through doorways, just to see what I would find.”  This is a great metaphor for my life as a firefighter.  We knew there was fire on the other-side of the doorway, but we had to go through the door to put it out.  And yet, we never quite knew what to expect as we crashed through those doors.

I did this in so many ways.  Relationships, food, travel, cars, alcohol, et cetera.  I made up my mind to turn my back on God, to never fear anything, and to try everything at least once.  (By the way, I stopped doing this before I tried “everything.”  The pain was too great and the rewards were too few.)  By the time I was 25, I had been married, divorced, and was well on my way to alcoholism – even if I didn’t realize it at the time.  It took me another 10 years to find God again – and I’m still struggling with the scars from those few years.

God asked Adam and Eve to avoid the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  He knew it wouldn’t be easy, so He gave them some tools and tips on how to avoid it and the accompanying temptations.  They still fell into the trap, and their lives, their relationship with God, and the future of the World would never be the same again.

“parenting is not for the faint of heart”

As parents, we seek to raise up our kids and prepare them for the challenges of life.  We try so hard, we slowly let go, we weep over them, pray for them, plead with them, and admonish them.  We discipline, challenge, lecture, and love.  But each day of their lives, they pull away just a little more.  Parenting is not for the faint of heart.

We hope our kids will trust our judgement and advice.  We hope they will avoid the temptations that nearly destroyed us.  We hope they will make good choices.  But for their whole lives they have other influences.  Everything tells them that they can be rich, beautiful, smart, powerful, attractive, and have fun doing it all.  All they have to do is reach out and take it.  It is all theirs for the taking.  They too, can be like a god – all they have to do is ______________________.  Take the fruit and eat it.

 It was at that moment that I began to die…

It was at that moment that Eve began to die.  It was at that moment that I began to die.  I can’t tell you exactly when that moment occurred - I’m not even sure there was a specific event.  Many events, from the age of 14 or 15, precipitated bigger steps into the world of the unknown.  I picked up speed and began to run towards the abyss of no return.  Until one day, there was no going back.

How can I prepare my kids for these choices?  How can I cast a vision that is bigger than sex, drugs, and rock’n roll?  How can I help them see past the immediate gratification of “having it all?”  How can I enable them to be fearless, without feeling restricted?  How can I help them understand that the forbidden fruit isn’t better than the un-forbidden fruit?  How can I help them see that they can be more, have more, enjoy more, and be more free – if they don’t give in to these temptations?

It is the same story.  It is hard to watch it unfold.

…………………….

 The secret back-story.

This time of year we hear a lot of music that we don’t normally hear.  Some of it isn’t actually Christmas music, but we only hear it during the holiday season.  As I drove to work the other morning, a song came on the radio that stirred up those usual warm Christmastime feelings.  It’s a very well written song, usually performed by Dean Martin and Doris Day.  And then I listened to the words.

Here are the lyrics to Baby it’s Cold Outside – which are amazing really.

The song captures perfectly the lust and temptation of dating.  That’s one of the reasons this song is so amazing, because the capturing of those moments.  He is seducing, and she is succumbing.  According to the Wikipedia article linked above, the original score labeled the conversation with “Wolf” and “Mouse.”

“My belief is that one on one dating is dangerous and group dating is healthier. “

My Wonderful Wife and I were talking about a conversation she had with some friends.  Apparently they are teaching their kids to not date.  In their view, dating is foreplay.  Taking it to it’s natural conclusion, dating leads to sex.  While this is a simplistic view – and one that could easily be expanded, I think they have a good point.  The song above illustrates this very well – especially in the line: “at least I can say I tried.”

Many abstinence only proponents talk about teenage/premarital sex being bad for three reasons:

1. It leads to unwanted pregnancy.
2. It can cause disease.
3. It is evil and forbidden by the Bible.

Unfortunately, these three arguments are also simplistic.  Many people who are teaching abstinence fail to mention the heartbreak, drama, and emotional stunting that occurs.  It is difficult to discuss, and even more difficult to explain.  A simple NO is easy, but sometimes has little effect.

The reason I think the above song is so brilliant, is because it really does capture the heat that occurs in those moments.  When one is in that space, it is really difficult to walk away.  If you’re the man, you keep pressing (eg, “one more drink,” “one more cigarette,” baby it’s cold outside…and you can’t get a cab.”).  If you’re the woman, you know you should say no (eg; “my sister…” “my brother….” “I really should go…”), but you don’t always want to.  It is heavy stuff.

How do we better prepare our kids for these moments?  

It’s one thing if you are a young adult, like those portrayed in the movie.  But increasingly, young teens are finding themselves in these situations.  It isn’t fair to them.  They need to be better prepared.

My belief is that one on one dating is dangerous and group dating is healthier.  Do you have any suggestions or thoughts on this?

Would you like a free, or nearly free house?  Take over the payments, or buy it on Short-Sale, and it’s yours.

When we were transferred from Colorado to Oregon, we put our house up for sale.  The housing Bubble was just bursting.  In order to unload it quickly, we lowered the price $5000 a week until it sold.  We were able to take a little cash out of it, but overall we lost about $40,ooo.  If we hadn’t sold it right away, we would have lost another $20-30 and had no cash for a down payment on this house.

It is terrifying.

Unfortunately, the Bubble hadn’t started breaking here yet and we paid nearly full price for this beautiful home.  We didn’t spend more than we should.  We didn’t get a bad loan.  We just bought the house we believed we were led to.  Unfortunately, in the last four years, this house has lost a lot of market value – about $50-60k.  Like many Westerners, we are now upside down on our loan.

So, we have some choices to make.  Do we keep paying our mortgage?  Do we sell the house?  What should we do?

Though frozen in fear, we didn’t run.

Interestingly, we faced this charging bear a couple of years ago. (Notice I used the bear analogy, and not a bull?  Pretty cleaver, huh?)  After the loss of my job, nine months of unemployment, and a bank who wouldn’t talk with us, we started getting foreclosure threats in the mail.  It was terrifying.  Heartbreaking.  Dis-couraging.  Immobilizing. Depressing.

Though frozen in fear, we didn’t run.  I regained employment, nine months later, a week before the Wells Fargo’s deadline.  Without employment, they were threatening to foreclose.  With employment, the offered to modify our loan.  Did you know that a loan modification increases the principal, lengthens the term of the loan, and moderately lowers the interest?  Sure, the payments became easier, but we are now paying several more thousand dollars for our home.

Good News and Bad News

The good news is, we didn’t lose our home.

The bad news is, we didn’t lose our house.

Now, a year and a half later, with no significant debt other than our mortgage, we need to move.  My commute is too long, we are exploring other employment options, and the mortgage payments are preventing us from living a real life.  We almost never eat out, we can’t afford a vacation, both of our cars need major work, our carpets need to be cleaned – and so on a so-forth.  In other words, we aren’t really living – we are just surviving.

So, it appears that the best bet is to give our house away.  Here are our reasons:

• It’s an Economic Black Hole.

Because of the Global Economic Financial Collapse (Which we didn’t cause!), our house, like many others, is worth no where near what we paid for it.  According to some economists, it may take at least a decade to recover – and possibly longer.  Why should we keep sending money to the bank?

If we rent a place equivalent to this, we’ll save about $500/month.  In ten years, we will be able to save $50k – that’s what we’ve lost.  But if we keep paying the bank, it will cost us over $200k just to break even.  This is a no brainer.

• We Need to Move.

It is currently costing me $600/month to commute into Portland to work.  This is not out of pocket costs, but total vehicle operating costs (eg; tires, insurance, maintenance, fuel, etc).  In addition, the loss of sleep and time with my family is taking a serious toll on all of us.

We considered trying to rent this place, and then rent some place closer to work, the savings in commuting costs would make up for the deficit rental market value.  But this is still only a break-even proposal, if we could rent this place.  There are dozens of places for rent in our this small community.  Basically, whether other employment opportunities come through, or I stay with my current employer, this location is no longer working for us.

• Cash Flow.

Over the past several months, we had to put new tires on both cars.  Both kids needed some serious dental work.  And there were some other major expenses that came up.  For the first time in over a decade, we had to rely on credit cards just to get by.  For the first time in a decade, we had debt (other than our mortgage).

In addition, I have some medical and dental issues I”ve put on hold, our house needs some serious routine maintenance, and both of our cars need a couple of thousand dollars of work.  Indeed, both cars are rapidly approaching 200,000 miles and may need to be replaced anytime soon – and we have no savings.  As long as we keep making house payments, we can’t afford to live.

Bottom line, this is a business decision.

So, the options are:

So, the options are to have someone assume this mortgage.  Fat chance (or is that a slim chance?)!  Do a short sale.  I’m pretty sure the bank would never approve the amount for which we could sell this house.  Foreclosure?  Surrender the deed?  Not sure.  They say the bank won’t even talk until we’re at least two months in arrears. However, I’m three days late with the last payment, and someone from the Wells Fargo call center already called this morning.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out.

If you’re in a similar situation, you may want to join a discussion page I created on Facebook.

….

We’ve all been sick this week, but it has given me an opportunity to witness something powerful in action.  That is, our kids need AND want us.

When it was my Wonderful Wife’s turn to be sick, she was holed up in the bedroom trying to sleep, recover, and chill.  The kid’s thoughts were never far from her – they are used to having her around 24/7 and it is disconcerting to be disconnected from her.

That’s what he needed.

When it was my turn to be sick, they dealt with it better, because they are used to me sleeping in the day, and being gone a lot at work.  However, as I started to get well yesterday, both kids showed a special need to be with me.  My normally Smiling (and rambunctious) Son crawled onto the bed and just cuddled with me – for a long time.  That’s what he needed.

Later, as they came in to kiss me good night, my Darling Daughter asked if she could stay with me until she fell asleep.  Of course I said yes, and my soon to be seven year-old and I chatted about all kinds of stuff.  It was good stuff – and she needed that.

 ”He doesn’t care about that stuff.  He just wants a father.“

Our kids need us – they want us.  Not for our money, not for the stuff we do for them, and not for the teaching we offer.  But just because.

On a recent episode of NCIS, which deals with a lot of father issues, Gibbs is talking with Denozo’s father who is always trying to scam a way to get rich.  He tells Gibbs that it is almost within his reach.  Gibbs turns to Denozo’s father and says plainly:  ”He doesn’t care about that stuff.  He just wants a father.“

Occupy the heart of your family; spend time, be an example, and have presence.

• Time: Without time, quality and quantity time, your family doesn’t know you exist.

• Example: Your vision, your direction, and your actions speak louder than your words or intentions.

• Presence: Your presence speaks love, acceptance, and value.

….

I think my parents would be amazed to hear me say I learned something from them.  Oh sure, they taught me to make a bed, tie my shoes, and be polite – but what about the truly big things?  I actually learned a few of them.  Unfortunately, I was about 25 before they sunk in – and had already failed miserably.

My Dad always said, “Don’t wish your life away.”  For instance, don’t wish you were 16 so you could drive; don’t wish you were 21 so you can drink; don’t wish you were 25 so your insurance will be cheaper; and so on….  After a lifetime of wishing I was 16, 18, 21, and 25 – I finally figured out what he meant.  He was right!

My Mom taught me that everyone is imperfect.  “We all have scars,” she said.  ”Some of us have scars on the outside, and some of us have scars on the inside.”  She was right!  Unfortunately, it didn’t sink in until I was in my 20s.  I had spent the previous 20 years feeling sorry for myself, angry, bullied, and pitiful.  But once her words sunk in, I began to grow again.

“Know where you’re going, be patient, persistent, consistent, and don’t quit.”

Last week, while eating dinner, my almost seven year-old Darling Daughter began talking about finding the right boy to marry.  After a moment of panic and intense eye contact with my Wonderful Wife, I offered some kind and helpful words of advice.  My advice could be summarized into three bullet points:

1. Don’t be in a hurry – wait until you’re out of college.
2. Look at his heart, not his outsides.  Make sure he has a pure and kind heart.
3. He has to have my permission first.  Before you make a decision, he has to come to me and get my approval.

She looked at me with great earnestness and acknowledged me.  I have no presumption that she understood a single word I said – let alone the principles involved.  I get that – but the conversation isn’t over.  We will continue to have this conversation for years, and someday she’ll be saying to her adult friends, “My Dad always said…..”  Which is what I often say about being in a hurry to grow up.

The lesson I learned through this encounter was that teaching our children the big stuff takes time, persistence, patience, and consistency.  But most of all, I have to know what I’m teaching before I even start.  So, here are my five tactics for teaching children the big stuff:

• First, Have a vision.  Know where you’re going, how you want your children to grow up, what that looks like, and what defines success.  This doesn’t mean to micromanage their future, but rather, to have certain character traits in mind that you’d like to instill within their hearts.  What values do you espouse?  What principles are you raising your children with?  Where is this journey going.  Some people will actually put this into writing and revue it on a regular basis – making changes as life prevails.

• Second, be patient. Realize these big life lessons don’t come over night.  Most likely you are seeking to correct some of your biggest character flaws.  Remember, your actions speak louder than words.  If you don’t want your children to smoke, quit smoking,  If you don’t want them to be angry, deal with your anger.  If you’d like them to be patient, show that to them.  Preaching doesn’t work, but showing your growth, change, and development will instill hope and provide a powerful role model.

• Third, persistence is key.  Saying it once won’t work.  Saying it the same way doesn’t work.  You have to say it over and over – without getting preachy.  You have to say it with your words, your actions, and your heart.  You have to live it, say it, and practice it.  If you want your children to be lifelong learners, you first need to be a learner.  You’ll also need to expose them to books, interesting events, and fascinating people.

• Fourth, be consistent.  All caregivers need to be on the same page, sending the same message, and understand the underlying principles.  Kids, like adults, get confused easily.  Keep it simple and keep it consistent.

• Finally, stay in the conversation for the duration.  This takes time.  In my case, I have another six and a half years before my first-born is a teenager.  That scares me because it’s only 6 & 1/2 years, but on the other hand, I’m glad I realize this now – it gives us some time to develop the conversation and bring our kids onto the same page with us.

I’ve heard lots of people say, “My Dad always said…”

Another important factor is to realize there are only about two or three core values that you’ll be able to instill in those you lead.  If you have a list of 17 things, don’t expect your kids to grasp all 17.  In fact, they may miss your highest priority principles.  So, it would probably be best to narrow down your list and stay focused.

My Darling 6yo Daughter has been doing swimming lessons for the past three years.  Her Little Brother didn’t take formal lessons, but I was allowed to get in the water with him and we would splash around.  It’s been a good experience.  Last year they were both in classes and excelling amongst their peers.  They were having fun, we were proud of them and obviously we are amazing parents, tight?

Oh how do the proud fall so far from those lofty dreams?  At 4 and 6 years old, they can bathe, get themselves dressed, and even do some chores –  they are practically ready to step into the adult world of responsibility.  In fact, they are so close, I merely need to hover over them for encouragment and support.

My Wonderful Wife took them swimming on Monday – it didn’t go well.  My perfect, obedient, self-motivated children didn’t want to swim.  It clearly  was mutiny spilling over from the OccupyWallStreet protest spreading  global.  Of course that’s one theory – the other thought is that they are tired, scared, and cold.

“After about 10 minutes of this, we were still in the same geographic perimeter where we started…”

So when I heard about opening day jitters, meltdowns, and failures – I knew I was going to have step in as Captain Hammer.   So, after sizing up my opponents, I decided to go after the small, shy one first.  This may have been a mistake because Darling Daughter is a strong leader and whatever she says, Smiling Son usually does – mostly because he’s afraid of getting whacked up side the head.  On the other hand, there isn’t anything like a pitiful crying little brother to send super big sister into the fray.

At home this might have been easier.  But surrounded by 40 busy, stressed, and observant Moms, who are now watching my every move as I prepare to destroy my kid’s lives – right in front of them.

I have some tricks up my sleeve:

• If I use love, tenderness, and compassion I have three potential outcomes.  First, I’m most likely be seen as a wimpy Dad with no balls courage.  I’ll urge, I’ll seek first to understand, and I’ll ask for kisses and hugs.  Meanwhile the kids will ignore me, cry, whine, and generally escalate this charade  to a point of no return.  (For the record, I only started offering cookies, but the next thing I knew, those little rug rats had convinced me to buy ice cream and pizza too.)

• I scored some points with the tenderness track, but geographically, we were still far from the water.  At that point, if you’d been standing next to me, you would have heard a mechanical sound – a little like when the Rifeleman cocked his rifle.  I now urged, coaxed, and demanded.  After about 10 minutes of this, we were still in the same geographic perimeter where we started.

• I sent Smiling Son to a short time out.  Because of this great cloud of witnesses (all of the opposite gender I might add), I moved slowly and compassionately. Not that I wouldn’t anyway – but I was very aware of the scrutiny.

“ I scooped him up and told him I loved him…”

• After the timeout, he wouldn’t look at me, nor approach me.  I scooped him up and told him I loved him – over and over – I told him of my love for him, 0ver and over.  Accompanied with hugs, squeezes, and kisses!  I put the task out of my mind and focused solely on my Smiling Son’s need to be loved – “all the way to the Moon and back.“

• And finally with a little reminding of the cookies, ice cream, and pizza – and lots and lots of encouragement – he got in the water!

I wonder if these steps – or principles could work all the time?

Am I destinied to be a “Helicopter Parent?”  How do you get your kids to do things they should, but are not a matter of life and death?

I mean, if it was about chores, safety, or simple obedience it would be another story.  But swimming (soccer, dance, party games, etc) is supposed to be fun.  We don’t want our kids to miss out on the opportunity, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if they did.  In this case, long-term, my kids need to know how to swim, but does it have to be today – this month?  Or even this year?  

“I mean, if it was about chores, safety, or simple obedience it would be another story. ..”

And yet, on the other-hand, sometimes they just have to do it, even if they don’t want to.  Where is the line – and what point do I push, when do I back off, when do I beg, and when do I just give up, go home, and plop down in from of a flickering blue screen?

How do you do this?

My parents were victims.  My Dad shrugged it off (mostly) and moved on.  My Mom never did.  She lived a life of pain and depression, and shared her legacy of victimization.

She was a dream-killer, a spoil-sport, and a pessimist.  She also had great love and in her desire to help herself, she helped many people.  Unfortunately, she was never able to save herself.

I’ve always been an advocate of standing up for oneself, not letting the sons of unmarried women get me down, and never playing the role of “the victim.”  Unfortunately, just saying those words doesn’t make it so.“Unfortunately, just saying those words doesn’t make it so.”

I am a victim.  Starting with an aberrant gestation and congenital defect, I was born broken.  This led to teasing, bullying, and a withdrawn, insecure nature.  Somewhere in my mid-20s, I was able to shove this aside, but the tools I used to do this – self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, inflicted their own damage.  Indeed, the cure can be worse than the disease.

Despite some ups and downs, my life continued to move forward, but just recently I’ve noticed that I’ve been playing the role of the victim.  And rightfully so!  (I might add)  So, being hurt, unjustly fired, losing income and capital, and misunderstood – I sunk deeper into discouragement and began to play the functional victim quite well.

“I should be able to do it well, I had a great role model.”

But as I started becoming aware of this, a couple of weeks ago, I realized I need to turn this around.  There’s a problem with that though.  If I don’t act hurt, discouraged, and broken, how will those who hurt me know that they done me wrong if I don’t mope, complain, and show them how wrong they were?

There’s a couple of problems with that behavior though.  

• First, no one likes to be around a loser.
• Second, angry people are no fun either.
• Third, it’s not socially acceptable to mope.
• And finally, the only one who gets hurt through all of this is (wait for it….) ME!

Bummer.  If I’m the only one getting hurt – then it’s really not worth the energy now is it.

Crud.  Is my attitude really based on how you (or the collective you) treat me?  I don’t think it is – or should be.  But think about that for a second….  (time’s up!) – does that give you license to treat me poorly?

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming my parents – and I’m learning to not blame others for my problems.  I just learned some bad habits and I need to relearn how to do it better.  In fact, if all this stuff is about me learning to be happier, healthier, and more whole – than really, it’s worth it.

Indeed, the better I learn how to navigate this minefield, the better my kids will – and that makes it all worthwhile!

I’m well over 50 – and accelerating down this slope – but that doesn’t mean I can’t keep growing, learning, changing, adapting, and conforming – especially in the areas that need all this shaping.

My marriage will be better, I may live longer, and hopefully, future generations will benefit from my growth.