Acceptance
Posted: February 18, 2012 Filed under: Spirituality, Thoughts 1 Comment »(continued from here)
So, last night, as I lay in bed listening to the rain, listening to my heart, and listening to my God, I came to realize something. But more important than realizing it, I came to accept it. I really don’t want to write about it. Though I’m an advocate of transparency, this one cuts really close to the bone.
Last night, I realized, and accepted, that I feel worthless.
Society doesn’t value this trait very much. We all take great pains to avoid looking this way. In fact, this is as the heart of pride, arrogance, and cockiness. We go out of our way to look strong, capable, and powerful – in the process, we overcompensate. Unfortunately, I’ve found, is that many of us struggle with feelings of worthlessness.
“Society doesn’t value this trait very much.”
Realizing how worthless I feel is more than just feeling worthless. For me last night, it was about accepting that I feel that way – and have most of my life. More so in the last five years however. I’ve fought it, struggled against it, tried to fix it, tried to hide from it, and tried very hard to ignore it. But guess what – those feelings persist.
There have been good days and bad, there have been good weeks, good months, and bad as well. Because I have such little reserve energy right now, it doesn’t take much to set me over the edge of discouragement and depression. Then it seems to take forever to climb out of that pit of despair. Often, it feels like one step forward, three steps back. A losing battle is a hard battle to continue.
But somehow, for some reason, last night was different. I just surrendered to those feelings and accepted them. Today, I write about them to memorialize them. I want to erect this monument to that event. Interestingly, I did not descend further into the pit of despair by accepting and surrendering to my feelings of worthlessness. On the contrary, I rested – I let go. I gave those feelings to God. They are His problem, not mine.
It will be interesting to see how He handles this. Either way, I feel at peace today. I know, that as long as I surrender to the grave, Resurrection power awaits. I have hope.
Self Talk
Posted: February 18, 2012 Filed under: Spirituality, Thoughts 1 Comment »
I couldn’t sleep last night. It wasn’t because I wasn’t tired, for like always, I’m exhausted. I really didn’t have anything on my mind, and I wasn’t anxious about anything – I just couldn’t sleep.
When I finally quit reading, I lay in bed and listened to the pouring rain on the roof and in our backyard forest. I love that sound. I thought about my wife, I thought about our kids, I thought about the future, and I thought about the present. I prayed. I prayed for my wife, I prayed for our kids, and I listened.
Actually, it is redundant for me to say I prayed and I listened. For me, prayer isn’t just talking, it is also listening. I learned a long time ago that prayer is a conversation and that I can’t do all the talking. In fact, my God has much to say to me and I would be wise to stop asking for so much and start listening more. In fact, this is what I do.
Communication 102a – Winning is Losing
Posted: February 17, 2012 Filed under: Parenting, Thoughts Leave a comment »So the other night, my Wonderful Wife and I engaged in 
some intense fellowship, which, in case you were wondering, is shorthand for arguing – and it’s even less fun than you might have imagined.
Now, before you start feeling sorry for me, I have to let you know I can usually hold my own with her – but I have to stay on my toes. The problem is, sometimes I win – and that is worse.
“This is hard – very hard.”
A long time ago, long before entering the world of marital bliss, I read an article about conflict in relationships. The article was directed towards men and suggested that the best way to win, was to lose.
This is hard – very hard. For me, for most men, and for men in general. Actually, for almost anyone with a competitive nature, we tend not to back down – especially when we know we are right.
