(continued from here)
So, last night, as I lay in bed listening to the rain, listening to my heart, and listening to my God, I came to realize something. But more important than realizing it, I came to accept it. I really don’t want to write about it. Though I’m an advocate of transparency, this one cuts really close to the bone.
Last night, I realized, and accepted, that I feel worthless.
Society doesn’t value this trait very much. We all take great pains to avoid looking this way. In fact, this is as the heart of pride, arrogance, and cockiness. We go out of our way to look strong, capable, and powerful – in the process, we overcompensate. Unfortunately, I’ve found, is that many of us struggle with feelings of worthlessness.
“Society doesn’t value this trait very much.”
Realizing how worthless I feel is more than just feeling worthless. For me last night, it was about accepting that I feel that way – and have most of my life. More so in the last five years however. I’ve fought it, struggled against it, tried to fix it, tried to hide from it, and tried very hard to ignore it. But guess what – those feelings persist.
There have been good days and bad, there have been good weeks, good months, and bad as well. Because I have such little reserve energy right now, it doesn’t take much to set me over the edge of discouragement and depression. Then it seems to take forever to climb out of that pit of despair. Often, it feels like one step forward, three steps back. A losing battle is a hard battle to continue.
But somehow, for some reason, last night was different. I just surrendered to those feelings and accepted them. Today, I write about them to memorialize them. I want to erect this monument to that event. Interestingly, I did not descend further into the pit of despair by accepting and surrendering to my feelings of worthlessness. On the contrary, I rested – I let go. I gave those feelings to God. They are His problem, not mine.
It will be interesting to see how He handles this. Either way, I feel at peace today. I know, that as long as I surrender to the grave, Resurrection power awaits. I have hope.