unChurched…again.
I’ve had a love-hate relationship with The Church my entire life. I didn’t grow up going to church, though my grandparents took me now and then, but basically I grew up in a secular home – moral, but secular.
Then, around the age of 14 my whole family started attending church. This turned out to be a good thing. Despite the behavior-based model of Church, these few years of church kept me out of a lot of trouble during my high school years. But after awhile, I couldn’t take the guilt and shame of this kind of churchiantiy, and I bailed.
About 10 years later, after discovering that I was neither immortal, nor infallible, I began another spiritual journey which eventually led me to be a regular attender of church (lower case). But attendance is never enough when I see broken systems – eventually, being drawn to fix The Church, I became more and more involved. Eventually I found myself leading churches, administratively and spiritually. Before I knew it, I was a full-fledged, ordained pastor.
Despite all of this, never far from my consciousness was the idyllic realization that The Church (upper case) is broken. Being a former quality management thought leader, and a student of Peter Drucker, I was convinced that it does no good to put blame on people. It is systems that need to be refocused, reformatted, and realigned. Pointing fingers, blaming, and denigrating individuals will not result in anything good – in the long run. What is necessary is to help people realize where and how the Church is broken, then set about reformatting those systems.
It seems simple enough, but I underestimated people’s willingness to see what needed to be seen – or to have the courage to tackle the issues.
Why do women stay in abusive marriages? Why do dogs return to their own vomit? Why is the sky blue? And more importantly, why are people so resistant to see and then straighten out broken systems – especially in their families, their churches, and their careers? Why won’t we acknowledge the truth, seek intervention, and move forward with more hope? Instead we cling to the shards of our old ways with great tenacity; and while doing that, we defend our broken territory with the ferocity of a mother bear defending her cubs.
Being somewhat logical, more than a little frustrated, and astonishingly tactless, I somehow had the mistaken idea that people would rally around someone willing to wring the mediocrity out of The Church systems. I was wrong. Oh, so very wrong.
Several years ago, as I began to see the futility of the situation, I wrestled with my place in The Church. The easy route would be to quit. I’ve quit jobs before; it can be quite refreshing actually. However, having given myself fully to the spiritual journey, I knew this wasn’t my choice to make. Everything I do, every I decision I make – these are all turned over to God to decide. Realizing this, I knew I would never leave. I may get thrown out, but I wasn’t about to leave.
This last Summer I was terminated. It wasn’t an easy experience – and I was fairly blind-sided by the whole process. I always thought my unseating would be theological and that there’d be a tribunal. Neither of these proved themselves out in the court of popular opinion, Not only was there no tribunal, but there was no theological debate either. It was subjective and political. It all seemed to happen so quickly that I still need ibuprofen for my whiplash!
For some reason, I was deemed an enemy of the church. How wrong they were. I am only an enemy of mediocrity, oppression and meaningless religiosity.
Now, with my employment no longer dependent on the politics of public opinion, the need to play the game in order to keep superiors happy, or the need to not be fully authentic about one’s core beliefs – I am feeling more and more freedom everyday. Don’t get me wrong though. I have no problem with the theology – it’s the system that is broken. The system that uses theology arbitrarily, capriciously, and subjectively – all, seemingly for the protection of the institutions of The Church, rather than the edification of people, the Glory of God, or the service of others.
I’m currently reading George Barna’s book, Revolution. More than anything I’ve seen in a long time, it has helped me to see that I am not alone in my thoughts. There are many who are struggling with the relevancy, the purposes, and the authenticity of The Church.
From the book jacket: “Christians are exiting the established church in massive numbers. Why are they leaving? Where are they going? And what does this mean for the future of the Church? For leaders working for positive change in the church and for believers struggling to find a spiritual community and worship experience that resonates, Revolution is here. Are you ready?”
Today, I read this on the Restorative Dissonance blog:
“I get caught inbetween the emotions and feelings behind my experience in church and wanting to be more vocal about it, and listening to some of the Christian thought leaders argue about why we shouldn’t argue about the church. I’ve listened to people yammer on and on about loyalty to Christian leadership and, not in as many words, you shouldn’t rock the boat. I’ve listened to all the amateur psychologists and one-trick pundits try to drive home the point that the only reasons people refuse to return to church is because they’re selfish little children. I’ve listened to all the lazy leaders preach about how imperfect the church is, as if that imperfection is an excuse to settle for a disgusting state of being.” ~Restorative Dissonance
Yes, there are many who stay away from The Church because they don’t want to be held accountable. Others have intellectual issues with some of The Church’s teachings. Still others wrestle with moral dilemmas that keep them from casting a shadow in church halls. But there are many who are looking for more. It isn’t that we are lacking, but that The Church is catering to the lowest common denominator. There is no vision, no purpose, or no direction – other than to keep the cogs turning and the wheels from getting squeaky.
After 20 years of trying to make a difference, I’m done. Put a fork in me. There doesn’t seem to be a critical mass that wants to move into a transcendent spiritual experience. And that may be OK, for them. Just not for me.
As a Dad these are not easy choices. I want my kids to be followers of Jesus – I just don’t want them to be mere cultural Christians. I want my family to be spiritual, service-oriented, and worshipers – but I’ve yet to find a local church that shares these values. I may no longer be employed by The Church, but I remain a strong supporter of their written agenda and values. I will always be a disciple and a disciplemaker – I just don’t know what the future looks like at this point.
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Thanks for this Gary. I appreciate your candor and have shared some similar feeling. I’ve always said that one needs to be willing to leave The Church in order to follow Christ. It’s very tough thing [apparently] to accept that The Church is only a means to the end and not the end in itself.
Thanks Bob. Interesting statement. I know this is not for everyone – and we suspect it is temporary. But who knows what the future will hold?
My recent post Get Off My Lawn!
Great post, Gary. It mirrors much of my own thoughts and frustrations except that for now at least I have found a community I can stomach (and perhaps more importantly, can stomach me). But who knows what God has in mind for you next in this journey. To point is only to keep open.
Thanks Delwin. I agree, who knows what the future holds. This may, or may not be permanent. Either way, we need a place to heal, recoup, and it would be nice if there were a community that would provide that. Most importantly, we feel called to enter sociological cultures that are heretofore unreached.
Been there, read the book and many of his books! Great stuff! Why don’t we resolve our brokenness… path of least resistance is always easier but NOT always most peaceful and productive and healing.
@Marcia, exactly!
I just retweeted this from @SamirSelmanovic… See More
"David Kinnaman: 'We can't change what we are known for unless we change how we live.' // American Christians have run out of shortcuts."
I really hear what you are saying And I'm hanging on and look forward to what Jesus has in store for the near future. The big future looks amazingly bright!!!
Thanks hon – let's see where He's going to take us!
Gary, thanks for your personal story and insight it brings.
Church has never learned to love its dissidents and now when they are crucial for its health, it is becoming costly. To have the future, an organization needs to embrace its own unresolved contradictions and seeds of its own undoing (therefore renewal). Sounds daunting.
I am also wondering when will "spiritual bur not religious" crowd tackle the necessity of "organization" in our fragile world full of chaos, when will left brain become spiritual again.
Cheers and thanks for the great post,
Samir
My recent post We Eat and Drink Our Mystery (333 word scoop from last Sabbath)
Thank you Samir for joining the conversation.
Like many independent thinkers, the "spiritual, but not religious" folks not only shun organization – but quite possibly fear it. And for good reason.
Jennifer and I feel a bit like missionaries setting out into an unknown world. The difference being, we are not actually changing our physical location. In talking about this last night, I mentioned (asked?) how this is different than J.N. Andrews going to Europe 100+ years ago? The fact is, it isn't – except his journey was Church-driven. Because it isn't the Church's idea for us to embark on this journey, they will not support it. But does that mean it isn't God-driven?
Community is still crucial to our spiritual growth. My hope is that those who have eschewed institutionalized religion, will still seek a community that promotes spiritual exploration, openness, opportunity, and growth.
My recent post Civics 101
Good thoughts Gary… I don't believe that most people leave out of arrogance as the Revolution points out, some leave to go BE the church, others know toxicity when they see it. Hospitals welcome toxicity… not ours (some churches)… the common perfection standard must be reached at someone else's pace… that is not grace but manipulation (character issue of 'other control' instead of self control)… some are tired of the list of rules but most church institutions are all about the rules… odd how rules and regs fall into the left brain of thinking and how relationship falls into the right brain of living… we need to get LEFT behind (with guidance and structure of course) and get RIGHT! When God tells many He never knew them it seems it could be because He wasn't looking for stars and checkmarks on a to do list, but rather a joyous hand in hand running through the fields relationship with His kids! My grandpa always said that he loved the smell of smoke in his church… it meant that there was a reputation and reality of grace – a safe place – smoke and all.
Powerful words Marcia – are you sure you're a PT, and not a philosopher/psychologist?
When we were gathering in Colorado Springs, there were always 3-4 people taking smoke breaks outside. I loved it! We always said, "I don't care what you ate, what you drank, what you smoked, or who you slept with last night, you are always welcome in our community of grace."
(BTW, I never said that at my last church.)
You are absolutely
rightcorrect, it is control and manipulation to expect others to make a certain pace. As one of my friends says, "we want everyone to sin like we do."We are all so far away from the perfection of God, that shunning, excluding, or ostracizing others because they are only 1/2 as well behaved as we are, well, that is like saying a red ant is not as intelligent as a black ant.
Thanks for jumping in here Marcia!
From Changes That Heal
, by Dr. Henry Cloud: "It is interesting to compare a legalistic church with a good AA group. In this kind of church, it is culturally unacceptable to have problems; that is called being sinful. In the AA group it is culturally unacceptable to be perfect; that is called denial. In the former setting people look better but get worse, and in the latter, they look worse but get better. Certainly there are good churches and poor AA groups, but because of a lack of grace and truth in some churches, Christians have had to go elsewhere to find healing." That sums it up for me… as a result of "sinfulness" our churches have become very toxic.
That is a great quote! I love it.
When I first was walking away from my self-medicated life of drugs and alcohol, I found great relief in 12-step groups. But after awhile, I retreated to great churches like Young & Restless. At Common Ground we incorporated all 12 Steps into our core values, plus the majority of the 12 traditions. It was awesome, about half our congregation were in recovery – openly. IN addition, it was OK to talk about one's sexual preferences too.
I have been in other churches that were also open, transparent, authentic, and relevant – of many different denominations. But, unfortunately, they are few and far between.
My main issue is that many of the churches that are seeking to be inclusive and grace-oriented, have had to leave the mainstream and forge the challenges as of the open frontier. Most of them fail – due to the incredible challenges of starting a church from scratch. That leaves very few local congregations to serve the spiritual seekers in our culture.
Most seekers are left with idea that church is bad and Christianity is worse. Unfortunately, the majority of those folks have never witnessed the beauty of a truly Christ-like church. I'm not sure I have either, for that matter. Despite the great opportunities I've had, I still long for something more – something that more resembles what I read in Acts 2.
Here is a great article I just came across tonight:
http://experimentaltheology.blogspot.com/2010/03/...
Good analogy KC. So, for those who see that, but still have a desire to worship – not to mention to be in a community of faith, it gets difficult.
My recent post The Emperor is Naked
Hey Brady, I could write a book on this stuff. But I think you said it well in your second paragraph above:
This really is the key – and unfortunately, many of those individuals that you have observed, hold the rest of the church hostage.
Without getting too verbose, let me just say a few things. First though, I want to emphasize that being a spiritual/religious pioneer is not for everyone. Some need, and/or want, the safety of the settlement – and there's nothing wrong with that. Others are more willing to take risks and venture out "where no one has gone before." And there shouldn't be anything wrong with that either.
Previously, evangelism was about geography and territory. Early Christian missionaries went to lands that had never heard of Jesus or His message of grace; churches were planted in the so-called, "Dark Counties;" but today's missionaries are more cultural – entering cultures that physically intermingle with others, but have no concept of the Kingdom of God. Not everyone is called to leave the safety of the establishment – but as Henry Blackaby says in his book Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God, Revised and Expanded<img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=daddytude-20&l=as2&o=1&a=0805447539" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" />, sometimes God uses dissatisfaction to get our attention and prepare us for the next phase of our ministry. However, that doesn't excuse anyone from following Jesus directive to "Go and make disciples."
There are some obvious issues of brokenness. I'll let you read my latest article on the Adventist Today website: Corporate Crisis, regarding structure and finances. These are easy targets though.
The bigger issues for me involve authenticity, relevancy, and vision. As you said in your comment, "we need to spend more time accepting people where they are in their walk." This is the kind of inclusiveness I see missing. Not only do we not reach out very well, but when we do, we tend to reach down to them. This cartoon illustrates it well. <img src="http://www.nakedpastor.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/pedestal-1024×933.jpg" style="float: left; margin-left: 0pt; margin-right: 1em;" height="187" width="216">
And from the same artist/pastor, I found this post spells out some of the issues quite well: Beggars not Bakers.
In addition to the well written blog post, which I quoted above, here are some books that I've found quite helpful:
The Present Future: Six Tough Questions for the Church (Jossey-Bass Leadership Network Series)<img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=daddytude-20&l=as2&o=1&a=047045315X" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" />
A New Kind of Christianity: Ten Questions That Are Transforming the Faith<img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=daddytude-20&l=as2&o=1&a=0061853984" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" />
My recent post Do Conservatives _no_ Love?
Brady, here are some of my previous posts that relate to this too:
http://www.daddytude.com/2009/12/one-in-twenty/
http://www.daddytude.com/2009/11/why-i-skipped-ch...
http://www.daddytude.com/2010/01/good-to-great-su...
@Bram, cogent and meaningful as always. Thanks!
Well, Don, I hate to point it out, but when I say "The Church" – I'm talking about bigger than the local "church" or their individual denominations.
There are many solid local churches – but for the most part, the Christian Church in the Western World is failing.
Thanks for your prayers Barbara. If I may humbly suggest however, it is the Church that needs to resume the journey. What was once present truth, is now past truth. It is my prayer that the Church seek to find 21st Century present truth.
@Bram, what a great set of questions.
The pride of the latter statement is anathema to anyone who seeks to replicate the character of Christ in their life. And yet, in effect, isn't that what I'm saying when I say the Church isn't good enough for me? I really am not trying to say that. More likely, what I am trying to say is that my family is not drawing any benefit from the Church.
This would be analogous to my shopping at K-Mart – which I used to do all the time. A few years ago, even after they bought Sears, I would go into a K-Mart and walk out empty handed. There was nothing there for me. Am I too god for K-Mart? I don't think so, and I don't think that is the right question. The real question is: "Does K-Mart have anything that I need?" and an even better question is: "Do I have anything to offer K-Mart? Will my personal input do anything to improve K-Mart?"
Unfortunately, no.
The same can be said for my involvement with The Church. Years ago, as I struggled with becoming involved with The Church again, my Mom would say: "Gary, we don't go to church for our own needs, we go to serve others." At the time, my answer was that I didn't have anything to give. I was broken, discouraged, and without any real purpose. I needed the church to lift me up.
Over time, and after much healing and recovery, I eventually was able to emulate my Mother's vision for her son. It is why I gravitated to leadership roles. I wanted to be a part of the solution. But, like my K-Mart experience, I eventually came to realize that The Church was not interested in my input, and there is really no purpose for my attendance or participation.
The Native Americans had a saying: "When the horse is dead, get off." This is what I'm doing – I'm getting off the dead horse. My flogging isn't helping.
Bram, what I hear Marcia saying is that it is the Church's choice to choose the path of least resistance – not necessarily the individuals who leave. Granted, there are a fair number of people who over time have drifted from the community of faith and now wander different paths, however, what I'm finding is that it really isn't very easy to make an active choice to leave the settlement of churchianity.
Some might even say that the path of least resistance is the wide road, as opposed to the narrow one Jesus spoke of. So, the question remains, is it the Church that is choosing the path of least resistance, or the spiritual pioneers who are looking for something more?
Thanks again Bram for your great insight!
Indeed – I do need a god. But for me, not just any god will do. I need the Living God!
(Amazingly, IntenseDebate displays with no problem on Firefox).
Why, this is interesting. My parents would also often say “we go to church to serve, not just to draw benefit from it” and “there are certain things impossible to achieve when you’re by yourself or in isolation”.
I realize the need for this balance between thesis and anti-thesis. Some like it this way, and others like it that way. That’s fine. My vision is to be the subversive dissenter that can provide a reexamining of these issues. The practical philosopher, if you will.
Church, being a culture agent that unites people and create stability in their lives, are in danger of not innovating and challenging if they’re not constantly challenged. I’d rather want to go in and say “Here are some things that will turn your worldview upside down. Have you considered these?”
Thankfully, some organizations appreciate this notion. For instance, Protestantism tend to be open to reexamine their tenets (while leaving the visual tradition intact), while more evangelical churches (my past churches included) are ready to accept whatever things are in vogue in the material culture now, but recoil in a unison “no” to anything that shakes their basic creed.
These traditions are really interesting to study; because everyone’s right, and everyone’s trying to achieve the same thing (represent Jesus) differently.
And I rather like the idea of the consultant-observer who is always outside the box, and thus can see things from the outside, that can give honest, third-party opinions to what happens inside the box.
It's so interesting that you see Church (and I believe it to be a correct observation) as a stabilizing agent in society. However, Jesus was a destabilizing agent, as were most of His early disciples. The reason the Protestant reformation was so hard fought, was because it was destabilizing.
One thing I've found about advice, is that people (and institutions have to want to want it. If they don't want it – they just see you as the enemy.
I totally agree – and have spent many a day in just such a place.
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As you may surmise, we believe we are on the right path – it just feels like we’re swimming against the current. Those without faith don’t accept us always, and those with faith, but in the church, well, they don’t really want us around either.
My recent post unChurched…again.
I agree Bram – and now I am “free” to be who I am called to be. I have far more influence now, than I ever had before.
Bram, check out this presentation – awesome stuff:
http://michaelhyatt.com/speaking/lifework
Come to think of it, this was probably the reason why people like the apostles never adopted formal titles (we’re normal kids just like you, people). Having an unequal or formal stature would probably render them constrained to the organizational burden to do their job well
I always tried to get people to drop the "pastor" moniker. Just call me Gary. But it seems as if when I went into full-time ministry, I lost my name. My wife also lost hers, she became, "the pastor's wife."
Once, while having a fairly normal conversation with someone in the lobby of the church facility, someone came up and said, "Oh good, you met our pastor!" Of course the conversation died. This person would have never shared so openly if he'd known I was the pastor. Unfortunately, this was not an isolated experience. When I asked people to not point that out, they were deeply offended and hurt.
Titles, like clothing, and verbiage, can create great exclusive barriers to true intimacy. Like Paul said, I want to do everything I can to find common ground with everyone I meet.