I’m Tired of Being Right
Due to our unplanned financial situation this year, our family didn’t participate in the commercialization of the Winter Solstice, or Christmas – as it is usually known. Now lest you think this will be some rant on the overstimulated greed of our children, or the lost meaning of the season, bear with me for a moment. For I’d like to share with you a gift that both my wife and I received this year.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this ability to be right. I’m an information carnivore – an infovore – I consume information like many people consume Diet Coke. I will learn things from any genre of magazine, radio program, or conversation. It’s what I do – I love to consume information.
Unfortunately because of this consumption, and my love for data, I assume others are equally passionate about what I’ve learned and the ideas this information spawns. Yes, I was that annoying nerdy kid who was always spouting off seemingly random trivia. To me, it wasn’t random, and it wasn’t trivia. I saw the connection and I was trying to make the world a better place by sharing the ideas and knowledge I’d gleaned. It took me a few years to temper my enthusiasm for being an information geek – but finally in my 20s, I was able to cool it enough to make friends and get a date now and then.
“There is no more destructive force in human affairs — not greed, not hatred — than the desire to have been right.” ~Mark Kleiman
Yet, this need to be right never quite went away. Where did it come from? Why do I need to be right? I’ve been thinking a lot about this the last couple of days. Here are some thoughts and insights I’ve had – and continue to have:
- The need to be understood is greater than the need to be right. This is actually a universal truth for many of us. It is why Steven Covey coined the idea that we should first “seek to understand, and then be understood.“ This concept will get you through almost any crucial conversation or difficult relationship.
- In seeking to be understood, I often forget to understand the needs, wants, or desires of others. This is just crazy! Because the mere principle of this habit automatically makes me wrong.
- Excellence is one of my core values, but so are relationships. This is one of the fluid dichotomies in my life. I tend to value excellence above relationships, but have trouble seeking excellent relationships. This is probably a toaster and cat issue (more on this later).
- I use data to support my ideas and use ideas to improve my world.
- Most people use relationships to improve their world and ideas to improve their relationships.
- I want people to resist my ideas, inventions, and opinions. I really don’t care as much about being right, as I do about being understood. Unfortunately, what I’ve found is that many of my ideas are discounted without thorough consideration. Not because they are bad ideas, but because they are different. This leaves an empty pit in my soul. I often think that if others would take the time to understand, they would see the beauty of the idea. But after examining the idea, if they then dismiss it, it is easier for me to accept.
- It can be very difficult, draining, and unrewarding to convince me that I am wrong.
- I need to let go of my need to be right.
In a recent episode of House (see clip at bottom of post), there was a man who was very smart. Unfortunately, he wasn’t very happy. Then he discovered a way to chemically alter his intelligence and lower his IQ. In doing this, he put away his projects, ideas, and books, found a beautiful woman to marry, and worked as a delivery worker somewhere. This reminded me of a line from a Billy Joel song, “sometimes I think too much.“ That line has haunted me since I first heard it over 25 years ago.
“The biggest temptation is to settle for too little.” ~Thomas Merton
As I’ve pondered these issues, I realize that many of my broken relationships have stemmed from my nerdy need to be right. One former girlfriend once told me I should have become an attorney since I like to argue (and be right) so much. I didn’t understand this at the time – but recently I’m beginning to understand it.
My broken relationship with my former employer has been quite frustrating due to this issue. I don’t know if I was right, or not. Unfortunately the relationship was terminated in the middle of the journey. It’s too bad the discussion was never engaged and very little attempt was made to seek out my perspective. To me, this is the most amazing part of the whole situation.
But, what I keep coming back to is this – why do I have such a need to be understood? Even more interesting, on some level, is why do I have so much trouble being understood. Many of my ideas are good ones, albeit very different from the status quo, but why is different bad?
“They are pure in their own eyes, but they are filthy and unwashed.” ~Proverbs 30:12
Last week, a day or so before Christmas, I was standing in my water-augmented, sensory deprivation chamber, sometimes called the shower, where some of my best epiphanies and ideas are found. It hit me clearly – something The Wife has been trying to say to me for awhile. I realized that in discussions with her, it would be best if I quit trying to be right.
I heard a family radio commentator say one time that the best way to win arguments with your spouse, is to be wrong. I filed this away, but had no context in which to apply it then. Now I do, and it is making even more sense.
I have a friend who talks about the secret to a happy marriage – that is, to keep his wife happy; all the time. I never liked the way this came up, because he sounded wimpy and needy, but there is a lot of wisdom in this attitude.
Many of the leadership books I’ve read in the last several years have pointed out the success of organizations, and leaders, who focus on doing the right things – as opposed to doing things right. This is often where I get crosswise with others. I want to do the right things – which are often different than what is currently being done. They want to do things right. To me, this is like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.
“People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.” ~J. K. Rowling
And so, as I emerged from my shower, I knew what I wanted to give my beautiful wife for Christmas. In a card, I promised to not be right for a whole month. (I get shaky and my palms start to sweat at the mere thought of this.) Because I am such an addict to being right, I gave her permission (as if she needs it) to remind me anytime, on any subject – even if I am right. She has exercised this option twice. The first time was only a little uncomfortable – the second time, I resisted a bit.
- Two nights ago, I was updating software and application settings on our phones. It’s difficult for me to let go of these projects sometimes. So, even as I read to the kids, I was fiddling with my bbPhone on the side. After turning off the lights, saying our prayers, and giving/receiving good-night kisses, I pulled out the phone (the one that often doubles as a night-time flashlight in the bedroom) and began to finish what I’d started.
The Wife mentioned that it was keeping Smiling Son from falling asleep, but I dismissed her observation. The next day, she reminded me of my gift to her. I apologized.
- Yesterday at Target we had a communication breakdown. It involved gift cards we had received. As I was trying to explain to her where the communication breakdown occured, she raised her head from the task at hand and said, “Remember the card.”
For a moment, I was confused. “Exactly!” I said. “That’s my point.”
“Not the gift card.” She calmly said. “The card you gave me for Christmas.” (This is the agreed upon code words: “The Card”)
Shot through the heart. No matter how right I was – I was wrong. I dropped my defenses, arguments, explanations, and ideas. But I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t apologize, I didn’t recant, all I could manage was, “Oh.“
Later, much to my chagrin, I tried a couple explanations of my explanations. But my ever patient wife (Some think she is a saint, and I tend to agree) didn’t say a word. When we got home, I had regained my senses – and I mounted a more ernest apology. It was a learning opportunity for me. I hope to have even more these next 26 days – and beyond.
“You can swing the sword of truth blindly in a room, but you will only wound others.” ~shared by one of my 12-Step friends
Looking at issues and concerns like a man, I see them to be toasters. All I need to do is take them apart and they’ll work once I put them back together. It is merely a process of fixing the problem. However, most human issues, relationship issues, and political issues are more like cats. When a cat is sick, one cannot merely take it apart and fix it. As Leonard Sweet helped me to realize, these issues are much more complex than toasters.
As I told my wife, I’m tired of being right. I’m hoping I can lose this addiction to.
Next Week: What if I am right?
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Oh, you'll keep being right. What you (I) need is to let go of is the need for other people to recognize that fact. Appearing wrong should be no big deal. When you *know* you're right though, it can be very difficult. It's very closely related to wanting to be understood you mention: "if she just understood me, she'd agree with me."
I find it helps to recognize there is more than one way to be "right." If you are logically, factually "right" but you've hurt someone in the process, are you really "right"?
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Here I thought you'd react to the "attorney" comment. But then, I suppose you've heard enough attorney cracks that you don't even flinch now. But I did notice you included yourself in the observations above – that is good!
Actually, I think what I did say (and I just did a quick search to see if I was wrong – but I might be), is that I don't need to be right as much as I need to be understood. That to me is the real frustration.
You're right though – "knowing one is right" is when it is hardest to let go.
BTW, right after I posted this, The Wife came home. Because my Dad is borrowing our 4Runner, we are down to one car. He was here to give me a ride, but Jennifer mentioned, "You can take the car now."
Without a hesitation, I said, "I know."
"How about: 'thank you'?" She asked.
I left confused – dazed and confused. "Why would I thank her for relating a fact that I already knew?" I wondered. As I drove to Portland and back, the answer came to me. It is contained in the parable in one of the links above, titled: "<a title="Being Right" target="_blank" href="http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/beingright.htm" id="p:e7">Being Right
"
Strike 3…
One day at a time Gary, one day at a time.
Gary, you are one of my favorite writers. Real, raw, and relevant. Thank you.
Thanks Jason!
After 25 years of marriage I have found that being right is not nearly as important as being at peace. I know I'm right…I really am…but I no longer feel the need to argue until all see that I am right. I would choose peace and harmony over winning the argument every day of the week. Well unless it comes to the little ones and then I will stand toe to toe…but everything else I just let go…it just isn't worth it anymore.
Maybe that means I'm wise…or maybe just too old and tired to fight anymore, lol!
I must say that this is one of my favorite posts you've done…excellent! Kim
Oh and yes your wife is a saint…and a sweetie too!
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Yeah – the whole peace thing – it's just not a value I have. Especially given the injustices I see. That's what riled me up in my last position, the injustice to the invisible ones.
However, that said, I do realize that most of the issues I have a tendency to be right about, are just irrelevant.
Thanks for being such a verbose commenter Kim! I appreciate the dialogue!
Hi Gary,
Two thoughts.
One, I have adopted what I think is the "Dr Phil" attitude. I don't know if it originated with him, but I ask myself, do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? I choose happiness, or as one reader above wrote, peace. It is very liberating to not to be a slave of being right. In fact my wife and I joke that she's always right – with no time limit. We laugh and kiss. No stress or separation. In the several years since I have adopted this policy, she has never abused it, and surprisingly enough there are times when she really is right.
Two, I think God is all about process, not the end result. God is always right, and we are not even in the hunt. When Lucifer rebelled, God could have just removed Lucifer from the universe and been done with the problem. But God has suffered thousands of years of sin, even the death of his Son, to make sure the process was followed and there would be no lingering questions about God's character. So I think the process question is the correct question, not just the question of who's right and who's wrong.
Good post. Happy New Year. Enjoy the peace and happiness that comes from being free from the yoke of having to be right.
Thanks Dennis.
I was actually trying to quote you above, but I couldn't remember the exact phrase. Thanks for adding to the conversation and completing this thought.
I too agree that God is about process. As I said in a post a week or two ago, I don't believe we were ever meant to settle. It is a journey we are on. The part I'm really wrestling with now, is what to do with a calling – and the humility issue. I mentioned this on Facebook, in reply to a friend of mine. (I'm thinking particularly of the story when the 12 spies returned from their initial survey of the "Promised Land.")
There was a right, and there was a wrong – but ultimately the journey continued, but with a 40 year delay. I know that I have much to learn in this regard – but it will be interesting to see where this process goes (pathway, not destination).
Thanks for your encouragement. Blessings to you to!
I think this is a common INTJ trait (I'm an INTJ — are you?). I've recently confronted this with my very stubborn 4-year-old who will argue with me incessantly about factual information. I'm right, I really am, but it does not good no good to argue. A line I learned to deal with this that has also proved VERY helpful in other relationships is "I love you too much to argue with you about this." That way I can still be right AND at peace
Yes, indeed, INTJ. 1% of the population – blessing or curse. I'm an NT in a world of SJs. I try to be rational, most want to guard the status quo – no matter how it no longer represents the "present" of the Truth. Then, sitting by my side are the relational people that make life so sweet. I totally do not understand these folks.
We too have a stubborn, opinionated 4yo. She has the unique blessing (curse?) of being the first-born of two first-borns. That is a great reply – and whether I say it out loud, or not, I can repeat it in my mind.
Thanks for the feedback!
Gary, I’m dying laughing. I’m laughing because I can see The Wife holding up her hand with that look on her face and saying “the card”. You guys are absolutely priceless.
And, welcome to the internal journey of refinement that only those blasted, bottom-of-the-pit afflictions seem to bring us to. Lisa and I are still in the process of recognizing the fingers pointed back at ourselves while we wave the one finger at others.
Thanks for posting. I’m praying for you this morning!
GP
Last night, as we were talking about this post, I said something about something, and Jennifer replied with a bit of affirmation. I immediately responded with, "You're right!"
With which she said, "You are impossible!"
To which I said, "You're right!"
Good thing you don't live with a stubborn woman! HA!!
Gary,
Interesting. As a Dad and as someone who enjoys debate, there's a bit of resonance for me in this post. In case you're interested, I took a look at this tendency among Adventists, albeit from a slightly different angle, here: http://ginandtonic4thesoul.blogspot.com/2009/05/right.html
@GandT4theSoul (JofG&T), this is a great post! You nailed it. I thought the Pluto polemic was a farse at first though. I'll reply more over there. I was very interested in the School post too.
Well said, thank you.
@wifenkids And once again, You, my beautiful wife, are right!!
Not sure if you want a psychiatrist's perspective on this?
Absolutely! (Unless you're going to talk about my mother?
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Our self esteem and our (yes I am saying OUR) need to be respected is related to "being right". Unfortunately, this quickly leads to Pride. Pride separates us from GOD, just as Lucifer was separated from the FATHER. Knowledge and Intelligence has always been respected by the community, even from Roman times, and now (physicians). Religion by many "non-Christians" has been an avenue to use biblical intelligence to separate them from the common folk. Ask for humility if you want true insight/intelligence and I will do the same.
Thanks Dr. Brady – the nickel is in the mail.
Actually, that makes a lot of sense – and right along with what I've read in the past. I have just done a poor job of applying it to myself.
This would explain why some of my physician friends are asked to serve on boards, committees, and the like – while I appear to be invisible – even when I often have more experience and insight in the issues involved. That has always baffled me – the way our culture/society puts degrees above discernment. … See More
Not to say that your 15+ yrs of education are for nothing – but some of deliberately chose not to go to med-school. <sigh>
Humility – what a concept. So illusive – so intangible – yet so unmeasurable – and so noticable.
Here's what I find difficult Brady, to be a leader, and be humble.
But admitting that my "rightness" has become unmanageable – and seeking, through prayer, divine intervention. Good advice – thank you!
(PS: I'd be curious as to your thoughts on the "Related Articles" I posted on the bottom. They're short!)
I am curious why you appear to see humility and leadership as mutually exclusive. Numbers 12:3 says, "(Now the man Moses was very humble, more than any man who was on the face of the earth.)" NASB Moses was a great leader, but he was also described more humble than any man on earth. Maybe leadership (the ability to influence others) is proportional to humility, not inversely proportional.
Oh, I don't believe they are mutually exclusive, but it is difficult to find a balance sometimes – or at least to not appear arrogant. In my 1/2 century I've met very few who have mastered this – probably less than three. Morris Venden is the one who stands out the most.
Some, who are touted as being "humble" – are merely just really nice people. Other's, who are touted as being arrogant, actually just lack people skills. We, as a society, often get these confused. Then there are those who are considered humble, but are terrible leaders – and great leaders, who lack humility. "I know there's a balance, 'cuz I see it when I swing past."
My strengths, as determined by Strengthfinders, http://strengthfinder.com, lie in Command, Self-Confidence, Achievement, and Responsibility. Notice, there isn't much empathy and compassion in these gifts.
So, this is my question – that I hope to write about in my next post – "What if I am right?"
Or to put it another way, what if through Providential leading, prayerful consideration, and reluctance, one is led to lead in a certain direction? Despite intense opposition?
In many ways, that's what makes it so hard. Ultimately, I think what I was saying with this post…
(more next week…)
I look forward to seeing your next post. Distinguishing right from wrong is very difficult sometimes. Some estimate that a significant number of the angels in heaven followed Lucifer in his rebellion (Revelation 12:4). The text uses one third, but that fraction occurs frequently in heaven so it may not represent an exact number. However, Lucifer's story was believable by a significant number of pretty intelligent beings. I think it is often hard to distinguish right from wrong, and the "father of lies" , as he is called, deliberately attempts to blur the line between truth and error. What is more revealing to me is the character of Lucifer and the methods he uses. Lucifer was filled with pride. He cultivated doubt. He said hat God was holding out on the angels and he promised a better way. He cultivated a sense of injustice towards himself. So rather than looking only at the data, I also look at the character and methods of the person. That is sometimes more revealing. Lucifer's methods have a consistent "fingerprint."
What is interesting is that all those traits you quote of Lucifer, were also leveled against Jesus. I guess it all depends upon your perspective. As Paul said, "Spiritual things are spiritually discerned."
For me, it's more about being obedient – moment-by-moment, day-by-day. I'm not intelligent enough to know truth (lowercase) – but I am wise enough to know Truth (uppercase). (see John 14:6)
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Just let em be wrong having to admit you are right will only make you an enemy.
You're right. I mean, I'm wrong. Um…no, um, that's right!
Interesting… I learned from a very wise man (my dad) I would rather have peace than be right, and that has served me very well over the years.
This seemed apropos: http://bit.ly/6wQtwD #smile
Wow…it’s like looking in the mirror. Are you the future-me after having two kids?
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Great post!! You’re a good writer!
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